Believe

Six short years ago.

It's been six years since I found myself in my darkest place.  That place where I doubted there was any purpose to suffering through this life, where God was laughing at my shattered plans.  The place where I felt empty, lonely, and lost.  The place where I tried one antidepressant after another, where I controlled the pain by controlling the food I would let past my lips.  A place that left me without a shred of belief in a loving God, or Magical Universe, or the worth of my Self.

Six long years ago.

Six years since I bailed on my soul smothering career without a clue as to where I was headed.  Six years of trudging out of that valley, step by step, day by day, choice by choice, thought by thought, breath by breath.  And slowly, so so slowly, the frost started to thaw.

I have learned and grown so very much since then.  I've rekindled hope, dreams, love.  Love of my life, love of my self.  And there are so many truths I've come to embrace. The truth that our purpose here is to teach and learn, experience fully, shine our light and boldly be Who We Are always and unapologetically.  The truth that we each have a gift, something of value that the word needs.  The truth that this Magical Godly Universe is always, always, working with us toward our highest good.  The truth that I am enough, just as I am, and that I am right exactly where I need to be.  That I am worthy of love, from others and myself.  That happiness and joy are a choice and a practice.  So so many truths that I have come to know and understand.

Still my inner critic chimes in with the abuse.  "You have nothing, NOTHING, of value to offer."  "No one wants to hear anything you have to say, you have nothing important to say anyway." "Magic? You want to believe in magic?  Fairies, and wishes on shooting stars, and dandelion seeds blown into the wind, a Magical Universe and Loving God? You have lost it and everyone will see how CRAZY you are!!"  Those seeds of doubt are still there, still blossoming into crippling fears and paralyzing shame and profound guilt.

As I prepare to enter into this new year I have chosen a guiding word.  A word to turn and return to when the darkness challenges my confidence.  A word to remind me and strengthen me and teach me.  This year my guiding word is Believe.

So when I say to myself  "Angelna, you are enough" and my inner critic pipes in with "Enough, my FOOT, crazy stupid lady"  I can wield my weapon.  "I BELIEVE that I am enough! Booyah"  So that maybe, by the end of this year of Believe I will sincerely, down to my bones, believe in those truths I've learned but still doubt.  It is belief that precedes action.  Everyone who's accomplished something great has first believed in the possibility of success.  Maybe by the end of this year I will believe in possibility, accomplishment, success.

Here's to a year of Believe.

I Believe that I am enough

I Believe that the loving, Magical Universe supports me and works with me toward my highest good

I Believe that I am a good mother

I Believe I can accomplish anything

I Believe in magic, and wishes, and dreams

I Believe that I am beautiful

I Believe that I am strong

I Believe that I am creative, smart, and brave

I Believe that the best is yet to come

I Believe...